At the beginning of the year, I had such great plans – “the next big thing” kind of plans…
… Then my second professional medical board exams reared up its head. At first, I felt I could juggle the many end of posting exams, seminar presentations and MB preparation with “my great plans”, but sadly, at some point I caved in and went AWOL. I was struggling to keep up, and one thing was certain: I had no intentions of taking any resit exams. So, it was either I passed in one sitting or I passed in one sitting.
I am usually not the kind of person to be this vulnerable but then amongst “my great plans” was to run the column featuring the stories of medical students across Nigeria. I prepared a Google form and shared it across as many schools as I could, but unfortunately, I got no response. On a second thought should I have said fortunately because I wouldn’t have been prompted to write this if I had gotten a response(s). So, here I am donning my creative storytelling cap to share bits of my medical school experience with you just so you know you are not alone in this quest.
About four to five months into Pathology and Pharmacology Class I began to experience severe burnouts which usually left me numb and oblivious to my surrounding. In fact, at some point, I wasn’t deriving pleasure from anything. I remember vividly, the day I left class and headed to Ikeja Shopping Mall, walked around and eventually settled in one of the eateries and sat there for hours doing nothing.
Beyond the academic pressure I was feeling, there was also the pressure of constantly showing up and also “doing big things” which didn’t in anyway help matters. So, I was always going from being burnt out for a couple of days, recovering then being burnt out again. The sad thing was, the end was fast approaching, and I couldn’t afford to give up at the time – so I kept pushing.
I have always known that I am my own greatest critic. MB came and went; I passed in one sitting but not with the desired grades. This cut short my sense of fulfilment, making me Wrestle with the thoughts of defeat for quite a long time. I was so unhappy about my result that I wasn’t even so proud to talk about it. And this is where the role of friends come into play, I had two wonderful friends who literally said to me: “don’t dip it too much”.
This young man and woman barely let me sink in the misery of my results, and what could have been a major catastrophe was greatly avoided. Already, I was extremely burnt out and having to deal with the thoughts of disappointment would have been quite a blow to my mental health. School resumed a week after MB, which meant there was barely room to even recover from whatever “shege” Pathology and Pharmacology class had shown me. Onto the next!
Sadly, when I started penultimate year of medical school, I couldn’t bring myself to revisit my “great plans”. Because at the time, I was still burnt out and the pattern for me became: School – Hostel – Church. I just wanted to be left alone – besides I had other commitments that were also quite demanding for me (which I would like to talk about them in my subsequent articles).
Then suddenly I realized that the fourth quarter of the year was fast approaching and I was yet to accomplish most of my goals. And the list goes thus:
- No paper to my name yet. Rather, I had to excuse myself from two papers I was co-writing so as not to delay the team (this was at the beginning of the year).
- Inability to attend the Global Sickle Cell Congress physically (thankfully, I was able to attend virtually).
- Inability to secure a fully funded to trip to an international youth event (the year went by so fast; I barely applied for anything and even the ones I applied to served me breakfast).
The list goes on and on, but I would stop here, lest I bore you with details of my inabilities.
However, yesterday I had a moment of introspection and asked myself: “aren’t you losing relevance?”. In recent time, I have had to uninstall LinkedIn and for a while, I went off Instagram. Because it felt like each time I went on there, I was reminded of my own inabilities. I see my friends and fellow colleagues doing mind-blowing things and I am genuinely happy for them, but I have come to the realization that as humans – we will always want more. To be more. To do more. To revel in being more.
This morning, the answer to the question I asked myself came to me and it is: “Life is in stages”. Being a medical student is hard enough and having to juggle it with extracurriculars is no child’s play. The truth is, I have had my fair share of achievements this year, but as someone who is barely satisfied, I didn’t count it as much. Nevertheless, and now in the moment, I am learning to take life one day at a time and to stop comparing my journey to that of others.
So, dearest colleague in the struggle; life is in stages, take it one step at a time. And if at any point in time, the stage you find yourself in becomes overwhelming, pause and take a deep breath. It is okay to take a break!
Editor’s note:
This article was written by Medical Mirror Correspondent, Durodola Ayomide.
